Not my will, but Yours.

This life is like a maze. There’s so many confusing twist and turns you take. But there is only one route that gets you to where you need to be. I have spent a lot of time avoiding this route. Dodging the right turns and running down some dead end paths trying to make it there on my own. Yet, I know that the only path that will get me to the end is God’s will.

I struggle a lot with allowing Him to have His way and direct me on the path He has set before me. I tend to think that God doesn’t know what’s best, or God’s best is going to be something I won’t like…. When in reality, it’s the opposite. I can honestly say that some of my biggest let downs that happened because of God’s divine intervention were the best moments of my life.

I used to think that my testimony of getting saved just a year ago after living and breathing church for all of my life was embarrassing. Humiliating. That when I came to know Christ I was the biggest pretender of all time and how dumb did I look just now surrendering my life to Him. You may think that sounds awful to say, but it’s the truth. I felt so humbled and knocked off my church going pedistool when someone asked me, “How did you come to know Christ?” For the longest time, I beat myself up for letting down God and being fake. But how great is it that He intervened.  How fantastic is it that what I thought was a let down was the best moment I will ever experience on this Earth.

I know I can write about this topic a lot, but it’s only because it was such a crucial turning point for my life and walk in faith. When a relationship I held dear to my heart came tumbling down before me, I thought God let me down. To say I was angry with God would be an understatement. But because of that, I spent a season totally alone with God. I learned worth, how to love others, forgiveness, and dependence upon Him. But most importantly, I learned my purpose. God wrecked my heart to show me the heart I have for others. While I thought my future was ruined, it was only the biggest set up for me.

When my heart no longer desired to be a teacher, I felt unstable. Honestly, I connected a little with Job in the fact that I felt like God stripped all of what I thought was my identity away from me. Being pushed into the field of psychology and seminary where there isn’t security, left me feeling anxious and discouraged. But now, I’ve never been more at peace knowing if God guides, then He will provide.

Through all of these “let downs”, I came to see that my God’s will for me is best. That maybe sometimes what I want is not always what I need. While I still struggle with trying to grab the wheel and slam on brakes, I know that His will is ultimately where I want to be. So if I don’t end up with the guy I thought I would, the career I planned years for, or even the perfect church girl testimony…then that’s perfectly alright. My Jesus has saved His best for me and if something falls from my hands, I only know that it means something better is coming my way. Not my will, but His be done. On Earth as it is in Heaven.




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