I haven’t written in a while… and there’s some reasons why. I’ve let doubt take a foothold in my life and faith. Doubts of what God is doing in my life. If He’s in my life. Who He really is and who Jesus really is.
That’s awful I know. You may think, “How can she call herself a believer? A child and daughter of Jesus if she struggles with doubts?” or maybe you’re like me and you’re realizing that you aren’t alone. I think the enemy tries to tell us we’re the only ones who feel this way and that we can’t call ourselves a Christian or saved because of it. He’s really good at that one… and better yet, I’m really good at being deceived by his lies versus my own salvation and God’s truth.
Over the past year, my reality has taken 90 degree shifts. In June, I gave my life to Christ. In December, I lost a relationship that was all I really knew for half of high school and half of my first year of college. My whole reality changed from growing up in church to just now accepting God. It was like a veil was torn off my eyes, but it was and still is confusing because I felt as if I’ve been living a lie. And when that old relationship changed and ended, it left me with no direction and disheartened about God’s plans for my life.
I was and still am in a state of utter confusion with what God is doing and all that makes up God, like the Trinity… or how God and Jesus are separate but one at the same time..or how the cross occurred. It’s mind boggling really… and I have so many questions.
I lay all of my disgusting unbelief and doubts in my sweet, at times too forgiving Jesus to just be honest… and to let you know that your sin doesn’t have to be a secret. That if there is something you’re struggling with, maybe doubts or some other sin that’s taken a stronghold over you, that you are forgiven. Whether grace has been made real to you or not, the very day your heart was pulled and you called His name… you have been forgiven for this very moment. I know grace doesn’t always seem like it’s for me because of who I’ve been, but on those days where I feel unworthy of grace and doubts flood over me…I have to speak what I know is truth over me. I have to be bold and expose my sin, so that it doesn’t control me. The more I hide and the more I cover it up from God, the farther I feel from His love and mercy. And that’s an open door for Satan to bait me.
Tonight, I cried my heart out to God. I felt fear. I felt doubt. I felt shame. And I felt unworthy to even think that I was one of His beloved. That surely my heart had changed and I was disqualified. Tonight, a sweet friend prayed the words over me, “He’s saying, ‘Be bold! Don’t worry what anyone will think!’ He just wants to hug you. His arms are open and He wants to baptize you in His spirit” These truths that were boldly proclaimed over me made me realize that this fear was holding me back from being all that God formed me to be. I stopped writing because I was fearful of being “fake” or not saying the right words. I stopped showing people love and accepting Jesus’s love because I was afraid of where He may lead me… and maybe it was somewhere that I wouldn’t like. But being bold in our faith is what drives out every single fear, doubt, and worry that we have. Because worry ends where faith begins, my friend.
If you’re running on empty in faith… feeling disqualified or doubtful, I’m there with you. But He’s saying, “Be bold my child. For I did not give you a spirit of fear, but have called you to be brave.” Refresh yourself and dunk yourself under the immense ocean of the Holy Spirit, because we were created to be more than this.