Have you ever hit a rut in life where you almost feel numb, and wish you could experience something to make you feel again–whether it be good or bad? You know that feeling of ‘I feel like everyone in this world at this exact second feels at least something, and I’m just here existing through the motions?’
I had that moment on Nov. 12, 2015 during the MercyMe concert. I had just turned 19 and life just didn’t seem to be going anywhere. My relationship with God lacked spark and so did my actual relationship. Everything just felt, for a lack of a better word, “eh.” There was no elation or devastation. Nothing but me spinning my wheels.
So there I was at this amazing Christian concert and I felt “eh.” People surrounding me had their arms lifted high in worship, and all I could think was, “God, why am I the only one in this room not moved to tears by Your glory?” I felt bad for feeling that way, but that’s how I felt. But looking back now, I kind of understand.
Before the concert had started, they played this song by Sidewalk Prophets called “Keep Making Me.” It started off with the lyrics, “Make me broken so I can be healed ’cause I’m so calloused and now I can’t feel.” I remember thinking how that was exactly me. I just wanted to feel something, anything. In about a month or so, I did.
You see, I realize now that maybe those moments that we are so broken and even angry with God are the BEST blessings we get. The moment God brought me to my knees was the moment I desired Him the most, and it was incredibly humbling. There were some nights during that brokenness that I would just look up at the blue cross hanging on my wall and just fall to my knees and pray. I’m talking collapse in a ball and crying because you can’t believe God loves you that much kind of prayer. Through that, I’ve realized the best things in life have come in the moments that I thought were the worst.
As I drove home tonight from catching up with some beautiful souls, that song played on the radio. Here recently, I’ve had one of those spiritually numb ruts. But listening to that song, I just remembered how God has been working everything for my good and that He is still there. That song talked about making God your one desire, and I thought back to my period of brokenness for an instant. And I realized that I thought because I felt healed, then I was good and I didn’t really need God at the tippy top of my life.
What I’m saying with all this is that being broken and empty is where it’s at. That’s where you think less of yourself and desire God first and foremost. And I mean truly desire Him to the point where you cannot get enough! I think we all get so hung up on the pattern of being on a mountain top, going through a valley, healing, and then repeat. The trials of this life happen so often that we mold God and our relationship with Him differently for each stage. I forget that my sweet Jesus in the valley is just as good as my Jesus in the not so exciting realm of life. So from now, each day I’m going to try to break myself–break away from the world, myself, and give a little piece of me to Jesus each day.
I don’t think we ever get our break through until we’re broken. Remember how there’s always a valley, and after there’s always a great mountain top? I think God has been a step ahead of us with that pattern. I’ve just never noticed the purpose of it until now.